I am not interested in your life Anne Frank!

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 20:51:01 GMT

Caefus, I must say I was interested in your pro-choice post. I myself have had several abortions just to assert that I can. In fact, I'm having one right now. Free condoms when you leave (they make hilarious water balloons)!

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 18:22:35 GMT

So I'm headed out to UCLA in the middle of the summer, I'm travelling to Thailand in August, and one of my roommates from high school is getting married in June. At school. I'll be in the orange bridesmaid dress. I = updated. Now, on to more important things. Why don't women wear watches? There's a clock on the stove.

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 04:53:17 GMT

Well, I realize I haven't used LJ in forever... In fact I was surprised my account was still open. I've spent the last year and a half taking classes I don't like and working a job I hate, so I've gotten creepy-unsocial (unfortunately, not in the depressed-lose-weight sort of way). But recently things have started to get better, and I feel like I just woke up from a year and a half nap (apparently much less funny than I was before I fell into a depression coma). Anyway, I'm slowly starting to make money again, I'm probably going to UCLA next fall if the funding comes through, and I'm crawling my way back towards talking to my friends. Starting with a long-ass LJ update and an offensive email about Indians. Any takers?

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 21:27:38 GMT

Where the hell have I been? For all you know I've been tied up under some leche's bed for the past year. But then again, Jonathan does keep pillows and reading material for me under there.

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 17:48:20 GMT

I forgot to include this. Go to this link to see a really creepy car commercial. It was filmed in Europe, and it freaked the crew out so much that they never ran it. There's a car driving along this path, when a ghostlike fog sidles up along the car, and if you have the volume on you can hear a faint whooshing. Very creepy, but if you blink you could miss it, so watch it VERY CLOSELY.

http://ticats.ca/~harwoodr/Classic_Auto_1.mpeg

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 17:33:53 GMT

Well, acknowledging that I am an awful friend (thank you Keith, for bringing that to my attention), I will give a brief overview of what you've been missing out in in boring, self-pitying journal entries. Matt Damon came into our restaurant a couple weeks ago. And while that's all very exciting, keep in mind that Matt Damon also happens to be a fairly common name, that also happens to belong to someone NOT affiliated with Ben Affleck, someone who I do NOT want to steal away from his supermodel fiance, someone who's stolen number I do NOT want in my cell phone. This was one such Matt Damon. In other news, I haven't torn my ACL free to roam about my knee region, nor have I stolen back my wallet from a cop (though how that began, none of us really know). I have, however, spent a lot of time tossing my hair and stalking people on friendster. Mmm, stalking.

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 19:09:49 GMT

TR>
<td align="middle">Amun
Indeed, you are 79% erudite, 79% sensual, 58% martial, and 37% saturnine. </td></tr>
<tr>
<td>Amun was a mysterious God indeed. His very name basically means "what is hidden", "what is not seen", "what cannot be seen", and though even his form was said to be “unknown”, he was depicted as a man with the head of a uraeus (cobra), or a man seated on a throne and holding in one hand the sceptre, and in the other the ankh.

All secrets aside, what we do know is that Amun was the Egyptian King of the Gods, not unlike his counterparts Zeus (Greek mythology) and Odin (Norse mythology). With his ruling might over the Gods, Amun soon became associated with the Pharaohs.

Being responsible for the creation of the world, it is not surprising that he was also the God of fertility, reproduction, and sexual power, and thus also the God of agriculture. With the combined powers of regeneration and royalty, Amun became linked to the sun and the great God Ra, becoming known as Amun-Ra, which pretty much consolidated his status as Supreme God.

In spite of Amun's political ascension, he also enjoyed popularity among the common people of Egypt, who came to call him the vizier of the poor, the protector of the weak, and an upholder of justice.

The Fifteen Gods

These are the 15 categories of this test. If you score above average in …

…all or none of the four variables: Dagda. … Erudite: Thoth. … Sensual: Frey. … Martial: Mars. … Saturnine: Mictlantecuhtli. … Erudite & Sensual: Amun. … Erudite & Martial: Odin. … Erudite & Saturnine: Anubis. … Sensual & Martial: Zeus. … Sensual & Saturnine: Cernunnos. … Martial & Saturnine: Loki. … Erudite, Sensual & Martial: Lug. … Erudite, Sensual & Saturnine: Coyote. … Erudite, Martial & Saturnine: Hades. … Sensual, Martial & Saturnine: Pan.

</td></tr>
<tr>
<td align="middle"> </td></tr></tbody></table>

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 59% on erudite

You scored higher than 61% on sensual

You scored higher than 52% on martial

You scored higher than 11% on saturnine

Link: The Mythological God Test written by Nitsuki on Ok Cupid

Caefus, you and me

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 18:58:22 GMT

the Cutting Edge

(56% dark, 43% spontaneous, 27% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | DARK

Your humor's mostly innocent and off-the-cuff, but somehow there's something slightly menacing about you. Part of your humor is making people a little uncomfortable, even if the things you say aren't in and of themselves confrontational. You probably have a very dry delivery, or are seriously over-the-top. Your type is the most likely to appreciate a good insult and/or broken bone and/or very very fat person dancing.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: David Letterman - John Belushi

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 47% on dark

You scored higher than 49% on spontaneous

You scored higher than 35% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 20:43:31 GMT

So a kid I'm going to spend the 4th of July weekend with FELL DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. Hilarious...ly dangerous. I do not condone such actions (psych-call me for the details). Broken teeth=humor.

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 19:01:03 GMT

I realize I'm MIA, but here's the quick update on my life. I'm taking a reading course in German this fall, still working in the restaurant, and I start in July as a docent at the Oriental Institute Museum. Other than that, not a whole lot else. But I do get to see Batman at the Imax this Sunday! Very exciting/I am a dork.

Mon, 09 May 2005 17:50:03 GMT

Well, NYU sent me a letter asking me to send in a new personal statement to be automatically reconsidered for admission to another degree-granting program, but it's so liberal artsy-design your major yourself- that I don't think I'll get matched up with the best professors. So I'm letting that go, and I started on the arduous process of swallowing my pride and reapplying, and so far I've gotten really positive responses. Chapel Hill, Brown and U Penn told me I'd be incredibly competitive after another year of Greek and Latin, so maybe I'm better off with this year off. Chapel Hill told me without more languages I'm already competitive for Bryn Mawr, but I think I had my fill of angry lesbians enacting ancient ceremonies from back in my undergrad days. Anyway, that's about it for school. Year and a half of hell to look forward to, glimmer of hope at the end. SIGH.
As for work, I had three mexican chefs come in to the restaurant and tell me I had the face of a Jewish child and did I want to be their girlfriend? And then a thiry-something lawyer gave me his card and said, "I'm friends with the owner, but you should call me sometime." I couldn't figure out if that was a threat or not, date me or get fired. Mandi (another embittered host) recommended that I let him go down on me, but I pointed out he wasn't even a partner at his firm, so he probably just sat around the office wacking off to a comic he had hidden in the pages of a law journal. Because that's what non-partners do. Anyway, not a whole lot else to tell. What's this about getting fired, Mark?

Flintman Decathalon

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 17:46:56 GMT

Some suggestions for events:
1. The feature bullshitter: Who can convince the boss first that his spilled grape koolaid is in fact a soil stain left by a structure?
2. The 7-11 flirt and go: First one with a cup of coffee and a date to the prom wins.
3. The Liberal Arts challenge: Goes to the paper with most uses of the words "problematic," "ambiguous," and "needs further research."
4. The Thrift Shop Showdown: Cheapest complete rodeo outfit wins, points detracted for lice.

I was going to make five a pushing contest, but I think we all know Mark has that one in the bag. Sooo...

5. The pantsing competition: No direct ties to Vernal or archaeology, but fucking funny.

How...ordinawy

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 19:26:57 GMT

Your Linguistic Profile:

75% General American English

10% Yankee

5% Dixie

5% Midwestern

5% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 18:29:40 GMT

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof).

Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe.

</td>

agnosticism

75%

Islam

50%

Buddhism

50%

Paganism

46%

Judaism

42%

Satanism

38%

Christianity

29%

atheism

29%

Hinduism

21%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 22:17:31 GMT

All right, this is going to be a pretty weak update. I'm hearing from grad school too, but it's pretty hard to say how to respond to it. I'm looking at rejection and waiting lists and still have yet to hear from NYU. Sad to say, the waiting lists are absurdly exciting because I've started to think I got through school on a fluke and would probably try to eat my own face if I were not so distracted by movement and light. However, Brown seems to think I'm in that area between first and second tier, as in "she's totally unqualified, but the 40,000 a year we charge could hook us up with some sweet wireless" or "she's super qualified, but look at her FAT ASS." Anyway, I'm trying to apply back to Utah, but I can't access my resume unless I find a free fucking second to go home and use the parents' computer. Still not sure if I want to be in Utah however, depending on grad school (if I get in and go somewhere, I probably owe it to the guy who moved to be with me to stay in the same state for another couple of months with him.) Anyway, not a whole lot else. I have some grovelling letters to write to Brown and Boston, and then a picture of Mark and his friends' bare asses with "fuck you how could you not want me??" scrawled in lipstick across it to send to Cornell. Mark's ass is the one being brutalized, much like my personal statement.

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 00:23:27 GMT

Well, it may not be as exciting as Mark's birthday story, but it isn't LIESLIESLIES. I was involved in a catfight outside a bar the other night. I went out with these girls that I kind of knew (roommates of my pseudo-friends, the ones I was with when I got that guy to drop his pants in Tequila Roadhouse) for this girl's (pseudo-friend Maria) birthday. A lot of girly tensions had been building up, ie you go shopping so much that you can't make your $300 rent, despite being employed full-time. Anyone else smell the estrogen in here? Anyway, lots of bitterness that was exacerbated (don't get excited Mark, that means "made worse") by half the girls shorting the dinner bill by $50, and then going to a different bar than they said they would. Anyway, someone slips a sassy line to someone else (a lame "don't even start with me" kind of thing) that leads to Maria bursting into drunken tears and trying to explain herself to me. Me who sees her twice a year and doesn't care how she spends her rent money. This is immediately followed by her roommate, Melissa, calling her other roommate, Annie, a bitch. Annie is not a bitch, but she is a very small, kind of slutty, dumb-as-dirt Asian girl who can virtually fly when called a bitch. This girl, as an ultimate frisbee player would say, was "totally ho." And not just because of her half-shirt, no no. Ho meaning horizontal, hands extended towards Melissa's throat, one hand choking, the other presumably following some sort of roommate instinct to borrow, yanking off Melissa's necklace. While everyone else pursues the girly line, by saying-in tears themselves- you don't want to do this Annie. I imagine because of her deep-seated love for Melissa, but my reason behind saying "you don't want to do this" while literally HOLDING HER BACK, something I've always wanted to do, was that if I reached out my left hand I could physically touch the cop car that was parked there. Annie, as I said, is a non-bitchy, choking DUMB girl, who will try to kill her own roommate (the only one who CAN make rent, and who's father owns the building) in front of the police. I am the most approachable person in this ten-person-uterus-tangle, because I am the only one openly laughing. I even had one guy say "You should go out with me, because if you were my girlfriend I'd never do that to you." Now that's the kind of laying things out on the table that I respect. Date me, and I promise not to choke you. I thanked him, and in an inside joke that can only find appreciation in livejournal, told him that some girls were actually into that kind of thing. I think I may have piqued his interest. Anyway, that is my more tame bar story from this weekend, the other merely involved a coin-toss bet I lost with Jonathan that obligates me to get "I lost the coin toss" in gothic across my back. I was all for "tails" on my ass if I lost, "heads" on his penis if he lost, but somehow Jonathan thought that was unbalanced.

As it turns out...

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 19:15:19 GMT

All of the other colleges got my info, just Cornell screwed up. Maybe I don't want to go there if it's going to be like that...Just kidding Cornell! Please take me, I didn't know what I was saying! I'm just so vulnerable right now.

Utter Desparation, and not of the "knocked up single girl who's just starting to show" variety

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 01:13:17 GMT

Well, yesterday I got an interesting email from Cornell University thanking me for my interest in their graduate program, and requesting that I send my transcripts. When I stood up from the chair I actually had to reach into my pants, and with two trembling hands remove the brick that I had just passed. NONE OF MY TRANSCRIPTS HAD BEEN SENT OUT. So after having sent out emails to each of the schools that I had applied to concerning whether they wouldn't rather take my word regarding my GPA and enrollment, I began to contemplate how sad it would be to lose a deposit and be rejected from a school that didn't even review my pathetic, partial application. Cornell also didn't receive my writing sample, but I'm sure my half hysterical, but pithy "Whatthefuckdoyoumeanyoudidn'tgetthem?!?!" email should suffice. Direct, not overly verbose, full of the fear of God. I just dropped sixty MORE DOLLARS (and you thought I'd say bricks again)on resending transcripts, and after paying rent tomorrow, am considering the nutritional value of subsisting on socks until my next paycheck. I will save the fancy wool ones for my most spiritually desperate Thursday-night-before-paycheck snack. Anyway, I'm going to go drink myself silly on whatever I can afford, namely nailpolish remover watered down with some salad dressing. On the bright side, with this new name embroidered briefcase, I wonder if I can work out some sort of barter system with ComEd. If only I had a team of oxen and some axles.

Mark, do you have PMS all the time too??

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 22:55:14 GMT

You scored as Shadow Weaver. The weaver of shadows, you cast darkness upon your enemies. You used to be a practitioner of white magic until you sought power in the Horde. Now, you have a jerk for a boss, yet you still long for more power.

</td>

Shadow Weaver

93%

Castaspella

80%

Scorpia

70%

Frosta

70%

She-ra

60%

Glimmer

53%

Catra

50%

Mermista

43%

Entrapta

33%

Which She-ra character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Employee Review

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 19:25:40 GMT

All right, so all of the hosts at the restaurant where I worked were left out of employee evaluations (b/c we are not real people). In fact, we are treated like scapegoats by basically everyone, particularly this bitch of a redhead who I don't go off on only b/c she looks like Alissa, and I would feel guilty. However, we eventually got the evaluations ("Just fill these out and turn them in yesterday") and now I have to complete mine. The way it works is, you evaluate yourself, and then you are evaluated, and then you can compare, leading to such crushing blows as "I thought my attendance exceeded expectations, but my GM says it only met expectations. What action can I take to improve this??" B/C the management fucked up so much as to totally blow our department off (we realized we are only above the valet and coat check on the restaurant food chain), I'm not taking it very seriously. So. Any advice on what to write would be appreciated, but I'll take a stab at it myself.

Category/ Evaluation/ Comments
ATTENDANCE: meets expectations. I am here.
APPEARANCE: exceeds expectations. I am constantly being undressed by the bussers' eyes. And the coat check's hands.
PRODUCTIVITY: below expectations. Spends too much time on evaluating self.
COMMUNICATION SKILLS: meets expectations. Can answer phones, rarely says "blow me" to the guests.
ABILITY TO PERFORM JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: My job is to come, look pretty, do shit, and then talk to people, so see above.
TEAMWORK: exceeds expectations. There is no "I".
PRODUCT KNOWLEDGE: below expectations. I am often compelled to answer the phone "Thank you for calling the Cheesecake Factory..."
WILLINGNESS TO STUDY: exceeds expectations. Unfortunately, I am studying Greek and Latin.
INITIATIVE: exceeds expectations. I am constantly doing YOUR job for you.
ATTITUDE: exceeds expectations. You had no idea I hated you this much. I am that good at faking it.

Things I am good at: Giving head
Things I am excellent at: Receiving head
Things I need improvement in: Greek, math, energy for head-related activities
Action I will take to improve: I am a staunch believer in inaction. Hence the things I am excellent at.
My goals for this year: Finding another job.

Karazy

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 20:45:07 GMT

Well Keith, I tried what you suggested (reviewing your year via livejournal), and have found the last sentences far more bizarre. So here is my year, from the perspective of the last sentence of the last entry of the month. October is definitely the best.
August: She shall be sorely missed.
September: Mark, you can watch.
October: Free candy!
November: It's about friggin time.
December: Merry Christmas.
January 2005: Maybe you should come to Boston and be my bff 2-getha 4-eva.

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 03:03:34 GMT

Well, this post is for the benefit of Alissa and Keith mainly. I did indeed receive a certain, er, package for my birthday. I was wondering why you asked about it though, when I realized the Christmas cards I sent acknowledging it I DIDN'T ACTUALLY SEND. I have no one's address, and my absence from the computer has kept me from asking. So if anyone wants their Christmas card, particularly one mentioning me vibrating through the holidays, send me your address. If not, know it is WELL APPRECIATED. Mostly for all the close calls I've had with my brother, landlady, etc. who drop in without me realizing I've left it on the mantle or something of the like. Anyway, Alissa, Keith, you = wonderful. Maybe you should come to Boston and be my bff 2-getha 4-eva.

Thu, 06 Jan 2005 00:42:01 GMT

All right all right, I've hauled my sorry ass to a computer to update you kids and avoid the wrath that is the petite fireball we call Alissa. Grad apps are all kinds of done. I applied to archaeology programs at NYU, Cornell, Boston U, and Brown. I expect to get into NONE OF THEM but I am willing to spend a couple hundred dollars on fruitless applications if only to justify a sincerely reckless shopping trip later. Classes have started again, so now I'm balancing Latin (which I'm fairly good at), Greek (which I am decidedly not good at), and work. The major problem with this is that none of them involve me getting my own private island. My brother came back from Taiwan for a while, and we had a good time for the brief hours we spent together. At our Christmas Eve party Jim (the aforementioned brother) laid down on the couch, and a family friend, my "Aunt" Joan's boyfriend, tossed a small film canister at him and said Merry Christmas. And what do you think was in that canister? Sadly not crack, Alissa, but lots of fairly awful pot. Anyway, in the sisterly spirit of things I smoked with my brother and watched all kinds of trashy tv with him until I passed out, only to be awaken two hours later to watch Napoleon Dynamite (Taiwanese culture evidently requires waking up every two hours to smoke pot, in addition to not being recognized as independent by China.) Well, that's all I can think of for now, mostly I'm just reveling in the doneness of my applications. Too bad I'm not reveling in the sentness of my transcripts, but hey, potatoes potatoes. Anyone who gets the Chris Walkin reference wins life right now. I'm out.

Merry Christmas

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 05:24:10 GMT

Just got back from Spamalot with the family, watching the aquateen hunger force that I bought my (self) brother. Thinking about you kids. Merry Christmas.

GRRR ARGH

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 19:40:48 GMT

Well, now that my workload includes applying to grad schools (my goal is to finish everything today, my reality is to apply next year), working forty-five hour weeks, and taking two finals (one today and one Friday), what could possibly go wrong? How about if I oversleep and get to my two hour final an hour late? And how about if all the money I earn in a month pays off the last two months of rent instead of, oh I don't know, Christmas presents? Oh yeah, and how about that "me not going to grad school" thing again??? Where are Mark's strippers when I need them?! Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.